Categories
Spiritual Health

The Discipline of Shame Resiliency and Other Emotions

Last week I shared with you openly about some shame memories I had been experiencing after listening a great audio book by Brene Brown called, “Men, Women and Worthiness.” 

So many of you responded back to me that you have experienced similar stories of feeling ashamed too, whether from being caught binge eating yourself, or shamed for your athleticism (or lack thereof), or shamed for your body. We all know it doesn’t take much to feel shame in our world.  

All it takes is the devil twisting the words of someone close to you to make you start telling yourself, “I’m not good enough” or “I’m bad.” It’s never about feeling guilty for bad behavior, it’s about feeling inadequate as a person.  

But, as I shared in my reflection, these stories of our past and odd memories that pop-up I believe are gifts from God.They serve as teachers to help us rewire the TRUTH of who we are through Christ.  

Brene Brown calls thisshame resiliency,” it’s all about rising above the shame-based thoughts.   She points out that resilience is the only win here, because there is no such thing as shame resistance. Our human, sinful nature and others impacting us will always keep feelings of shame knocking on our door.  

But practicing resilience, through the power of vulnerability and being willing to open up these stories to God and others who can help, will make us stronger and wiser for it.  Avoidance simply keeps us spinning.  

So, naturally, I can’t just leave my story there.  I can’t just say, “Well, I learned my lesson that one time and that was that! Problem solved.”   

If only it were that easy.  No, we have to find a way to continue to practice shame resiliency, which is really all about practicing emotional discipline.    

I hadn’t thought about our emotions as something we need to actually discipline in our lives until I started creating the 6-week Bible Study on Spiritual Discipline that begins January 9 (there’s still room to join, if you’re interested, click here).  

Becoming shame resilient is actually a discipline that you need to practice in order to be emotionally mature and stable.  

Emotional stability is so incredibly important to your purpose and call from God.  If you fall prey to the whims of your fleeting feelings, you will be prey to the distractions that keep us from your destiny.  

So, I wanted to open up the discussion of what it means to be emotionally disciplined and 3 things you will need to ask yourself regularly to start putting this discipline into practice.  

First,  being disciplined in your feelings is not being a disciplinarian it’s about being discerning.  

It’s not about invoking your inner critic to “stop feeling so much” in an effort to make you more stoic, logical, or controlling.  

Nothing could be further from what God desires for you.  The very fruits of the Spirit are ripe with emotion! You can’t experience the fullness of your Spiritual self without emotion. 

Now, I understand why we do this.  We think we can force a feeling, but we can’t.  

And when we realize we can’t force a feeling we think our only other choice is to “shut down” or “numb” our feelings with things like food, alcohol, drugs, or the thrills of chasing things like “success” or devious behaviors. 

All of this is self-protection from that monster in our mind.  

Rather, being emotionally disciplined is all about your discernment.  

It’s not about trying to change or judge your feelings but simply recognizing your feelings and discerning if they are based in truth or in fear.  

You need to ask yourself 4 basic questions with the help of the Holy Spirit:

Q1:  WHAT AM I FEELING RIGHT NOW?  

We all need validation, even self-validation, and identifying the exact feeling helps pinpoint that.  (Note: tired and hungry are NOT emotions, contrary to what every man thinks, so expand on that with feelings like: embarrassed, humiliated, scared, angry, bitter, resentful, jealous, anxious, feeling inadequate, etc.)

Q2.  WHAT EXACTLY AM I THINKING RIGHT NOW?

Our own thoughts create our feelings, not other people or circumstances.  So get quiet, breathe deep, and write down the actual thoughts racing through your mind.  

Q3.  ARE THESE THOUGHTS TRUE?

You will need to use the Word of God and the power of the Holy Spirit within you to test your thoughts against the Truth of who God is.  Your feelings are always valid, but the thoughts you are believing could very well be lies. Test your feelings and thoughts against who you are in Christ and see if this doesn’t offer greater peace. 

Q4.  WHAT IS MY PRAYER?  

If you have time to worry about something, you have time to pray about something.  Maybe someone did really hurt you and you are struggling with that.   Well, here is your chance to surrender it to God and let Him handle changing them, because frankly, you can't even if you tried.   Pray through it and you will receive the power and peace that only God can grant you.  

Now, this is where the discipline comes in— willing to actually DO THIS stuff. 

You know what they say about change right?  You won’t change any behavior about yourself until the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change.  

In other words, there is going to have to be a “come to Jesus” moment when you realize your feelings aren’t your ALLY but are much closer to your ENEMY.  

More often than not, if we are experiencing painful relationship patterns, painful work patterns, or painful health patterns, our emotions are a significant reason for our pain.  Our emotions sabotage us.  

Identifying your feelings as the culprit is incredibly hard because we often confuse our feelings with our identify.  In fact, you can get so used to your shame that it feels like it’s a part of who you are.  

I’ve heard countless people tell me, “It’s just the way I’m wired,” when in fact what they are suffering from is often in direct violation of Who God is and the image from which we came.  

So, here is where some study, accountability, and a safe place to seek some relief and resiliency might be exactly what you need in 2017.  

Like I said, we are doing a 6-week Nutrition course that corresponds with this 6-week Bible Study on Discipline.  

Buuuuuut, if you’re not interested in the nutrition course (The Daniel Challenge) but ARE interested in doing the Women’s Bible study on Discipline, that’s now an option as well! 

It will be a weekly small group meeting on Zoom where we will be watching some Pastoral videos and then having a group discussion.  Then I will also be giving you a daily devotional and Bible study to do on your own.    The discipline topics we will be tackling are:   

Prayer and Reading the Bible
Emotional Discipline
Health 
Time Management
Organization
Finances and Money

The Daniel Challenge and Nutrition Course is $97 (which includes the Bible study for free) and then Discipline Bible Study & Course by itself will be $30, just to cover the cost of the materials purchased and workbooks you’ll receive.  You can buy the Bible Study by itself here

I hope this insight helps you think through what emotions you need to discern into discipline this year.  I'd love you to comment and tell me the #1 emotion you think tortures you the most!  Ready, Go!

Ready to up your nutrition & spiritual discipline in the New Year?

Join the A. Wright Fit Daniel Challenge, a 6-week Nutrition & Discipline course and Bible study that starts on January 9!  

This course is a small-group format of like-minded women who are ready for FOOD FREEDOM in 2017!

As a group, we will be challenging ourselves to a 7 to 21-day Daniel Fast for the first 3-weeks of the course and then transitioning into the Nutrient Based Eating program, the signature nutrition program of Certified Nutrition coach, Amanda Wright! 

Every week, we will also be meeting online for a small-group Bible study all on Spiritual Discipline!  We will dive into the Biblical principles of becoming more disciplined in the areas of:  prayer, time management, health and exercise, organization, finances, and our emotions!   This group will be on Zoom every week and you will be given a daily Bible study format to follow!  

If you are interested in learning more or purchasing the program, you can visit this link HERE. If you have any questions, feel free to reach Amanda directly at amanda@amandawrightfit.com.  

Categories
Food & Nutrition Spiritual Health

So I’ve Been Hearing Brene Brown’s Voice in My Sleep…

So, I’ve Been Hearing Brene Brown In My Sleep…

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Well, I should say,  I've been falling asleep to my Audible app playing in my headphones as I sleep (is that dangerous?) and her book, "Men, Women and Worthiness” has been speaking to me as I drift off.  She’s an incredible author who has researched the areas of shame, vulnerability, empathy, and love for the last 15 years.

This book, and so many of the other's she's authored, triggered a memory I had that still is with me today.  It’s a story of my shame and overeating issues. 

I was in college, my Junior year maybe, and my girlfriends and I were all up at my friends' parents' beach house in Newport Beach, CA.  

Now, I don’t know what college was like for you, but college for me was a time that, in retrospect, I believe was my most insecure. I suffered from the “trifecta” of not feeling “good enough.”

Spiritually I felt a bit like a heathen and a harlot attending a private Christian school after having sown some wild oats in my high school days. 

Mentally, I felt largely inadequate as I struggled to achieve mostly B’s and some C’s in my Biochemistry major, while everyone else, who studied less than me, scored higher than me.

Then, physically, I believed I struggled the most.  I was a Colorado girl, tall, athletic, and curvy who was surrounded by a lot of SoCal girls who were beautiful, petite and small-framed.   

Naturally, due to my body insecurities during this time of my life, I was a workout queen. Sometimes taking 3 classes in a row at the local 24 Hour Fitness and training for some half and (almost) full marathons, a task that I now know does NOT fit my body type.  

My copious exercise routines, combined with the massive amount of stress of school, made me hungry like a Mrs. Pac-Man going rogue, especially on sweets. 

As we walked into the house in Newport Beach, we learned that my friend's mom had just had a birthday and there was some leftover cake…gooey, chocolatey, overly-indulgent, cake.  

Game over. 

All of us gathered around with our forks and dug in. (What’s a little sick is that I can still vividly picture this cake in my mind, a good 11 years later.) 

Naturally, with something so decadent, most of the girls stopped at a few bites. 

And I tried.  

But every time I sat down, all I could taste was chocolate and all I could think was, “Don't eat the cake, don't eat the cake..." Meanwhile all my feet and fork seemed to hear was, “Cake…cake... cake" and before I knew it, I would be up having a few more bites. Then a few more after that.

Then I heard it... 

My friend, in a failed attempt at whispering, said, "God, when is she going to stop eating that cake?"

Que the spiral of shame. 

I pretended like I didn't hear it and just sat down.  But, I was devastated.

I wonder, do you have any memory like this? 

Where someone mentioned something about your eating or your weight and it just triggered deep shame in your eating?   Maybe it was a family member? Maybe it happened in school?  Something that made you want to starve yourself and hide?

Or maybe a memory of someone making fun of your athletic ability and it forever changed your relationship with exercise? 

My guess is I bet you do. So many of us do.  

But, I bring a message of hope, because with the help of some experts like Brene Brown, and certainly with the help of the Good Lord, we can learn shame resilience and navigate out of the snare that shame can be to our mindset and emotions. 

So, how do you know if you're in shame versus guilt, humiliation, or even simple embarrassment

Well, Brene Brown says it all comes down to our self talk. What is that inner voice telling us when these circumstances arise?

Let's take my example to walk through it.  

If my friend’s remark had triggered some thoughts like, "Oh my goodness, she's right. I'm totally out of control right now." Or something about the behavior, then this would be considered GUILT.   

Guilt is always about, “I did something bad,” whereas shame is about “I am a bad person.” 

Brene points out that guilt, while it's not an inherently positive thing to feel all the time, is capable of helping you correct bad behavior.  

You essentially have to feel guilt and remorse if you’re ever going to change.   But the key difference is you focus on the behavior you're doing, not who you are as a person. 

Or, if on the night of my cake incident, if it has caused a self dialogue of, "I can't believe my friend just said that about me in front of all our friends! How rude is that?!" This would be a response of HUMILIATION.

It's once again focused on the behavior of the other person or the event that offended you.   

Lastly, EMBARRASSMENT could have been triggered as well had I thought something like, “Ha!  She totally got me.  I am totally going to town on this cake huh?”  It’s a more laughable, relatable feeling.  Like, “I know I’m not alone in this issue,” kind of response. 

So as you read my story out right, you might know yourself well enough to know you would likely respond in one of the other, slightly healthier ways.  And that’s the thing we all need to recognize and empathize in others, once shame is triggered, there’s no use telling someone how they *should* feel or respond, you need to move toward helping them (or ourselves) deal with the torturous shame and condemnation.  

For me, I vividly remember feeling like my friends had “found me out.” That all my dirty little secrets of being an out-of-control eater were not only out in the open, but were being judged by my closest friends at the time.   

I reiterated my self talk of always “being the fat friend,” and never being “strong enough” to control my eating.   

So, where does this lead us?  Why would I share with you a story from over 11 years ago?  Does it help anything for today?  

And my answer is YES, ABSOLUTELY.  

Because, what our past experiences help us understand is where the devil thought he had us.  You see, Satan uses shame as one of his greatest tools to get us to turn a hide from God.  

In the Garden of Eden, after Eve gave Adam the apple, what did Adam and Eve do?  

They hid.  

When Adam responded to God’s call, and said, “I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked.  And I hid.”  (Genesis 3:10)

They were ashamed of their nakedness, and they hid.  

Sin is what first brought shame into our lives.   It has kept us bound by sin ever since. 

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Shame in our mindset serves as a stronghold.  We are not thinking clearly of what the devil is trying to do to us, we are totally consumed by the muck of our thoughts and emotions.

But, in hindsight, if we are brave and willing to address these memories, we recognize this an evil tactic and can start re-telling our mind the TRUTH of our memory. 

I had to repeat this scenario in my head and with great empathy, replay a healthier reaction based in the TRUTH of who I really am in Christ, not who the critic in my head is telling me to be. 

So, I can look back at that 21-year old self and say with certainty, “You were not fat. You were not an out of control, crazy eater.  You had a bad night and went a little too far on that cake. But it didn’t make you a unworthy, unlovable person.”   

I can in some ways offer forgiveness to myself and let myself off the hook.

I start telling myself that the choices I make DO NOT define WHO I AM.  

Only God can do that and God tells me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made

So, sometime soon, I think it would be really helpful for you to start thinking back on some old haunting memories and correct those thoughts that you were fooled into thinking before.  Maybe journal them and pray over them. Ask God to help you seek the truth.

When you break these strongholds with the truth of who you are in Christ, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."  And when we are free, we'll be free indeed.

So, I'd love to hear from you on this one.  Sharing these vulnerable stories are always a bit tough....can you relate at all?  

Ready to up your nutrition & spiritual discipline in the New Year?

Join the A. Wright Fit Daniel Challenge, a 6-week Nutrition & Discipline course and Bible study that starts on January 9!  

This course is a small-group format of like-minded women who are ready for FOOD FREEDOM in 2017!

As a group, we will be challenging ourselves to a 7 to 21-day Daniel Fast for the first 3-weeks of the course and then transitioning into the Nutrient Based Eating program, the signature nutrition program of Certified Nutrition coach, Amanda Wright! 

Every week, we will also be meeting online for a small-group Bible study all on Spiritual Discipline!  We will dive into the Biblical principles of becoming more disciplined in the areas of:  prayer, time management, health and exercise, organization, finances, and our emotions!   This group will be on Zoom every week and you will be given a daily Bible study format to follow!  

If you are interested in learning more or purchasing the program, you can visit this link HERE. If you have any questions, feel free to reach Amanda directly at amanda@amandawrightfit.com.  

Categories
Goal Development Health Coaching Uncategorized

What a Difference A Year Makes

33 Birthday Lessons

32

It's been an incredible year!   I have taken over 47 flights.  I have traveled to 9 countries and over 15 cities, domestically.  I became wife.  I became a *bonus*mom (of a toddler!).   We moved to a new city and learned the art of making new friends.  I started a new kind of company and stepped into a calling.  I spoke openly about my Faith and became a writer.  I overcame some significant strongholds and for the first time felt the presence of God, tangibly.   I also was privileged to coach over 23 women personally, which means I fostered 23 intimate relationships with women in over 11 different cities nation-wide.  Every single day, I focused myself on how I could grow and teach others the ways of living STRONG'her and WISE'her by SURREND'hering more and more to God. 

All of this was done in the 32nd year of my life.

I of course don't say this to boast or even martyr myself in the least bit.  It was just a big year!  While it was incredibly busy and frankly a whirlwind of a life change, I have come away with possibly the greatest year EVER! Through the willingness to embrace all this change has come an abundance of lessons and the cultivation of characteristics and virtues that I didn't even realize were possible.   I screwed up a lot.  I had panic attacks and full on melt downs on the regular.   But, I leaned in and withstood the storms and experience sheer joy time and time again.  I learned to #FailForward, #FailFast, #FailFaithfully. I heard of this great idea of keeping a journal of all of the lessons you learn in life (as you inevitably screw up) so you actually remember what you learn and don't have to relearn it the hard way again.  While I didn't start this particular lesson journal in October of last year, but I did acquire quite a few lessons nevertheless!    

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So, for my birthday today and the welcoming of my 33rd year of life, I would like to offer you 33 lessons I learned last year through all my mayhem.

33 Birthday Lessons

  1. There are over 7,000 promises that God gives us in the Bible.  When you find one that resonates with your current need, circle it and pray on that every day.    "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come to pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  Jeremiah 29:11-13

  2. Sometimes you just have to shut up and pray.

  3. There is a huge difference between a promise and a VOW. 

  4. It's ok to say "no" to something "good" so you can say "yes" to something "great."

  5. When you say you're sorry, you can't add a "but" to the end of it, otherwise it doesn't count.

  6. Talking openly about your Faith is extremely hard and even more humbling when you realize how small your Faith really is.

  7. Nagging people to change never actually works.  They might appease you for a second just to get you to pipe down, but it doesn't work in the long run.

  8. Setting boundaries in how you let others treat you is a way of showing them love.  You are offering them a chance to see the Truth of who you are so speak with gentleness and stand firm in your truth.

  9. The opposite of love isn't hate, the opposite of love is fear.  When you worry, you cannot love.  When you are loving, you cannot worry.   "Perfect love drives out fear" (1 John 4:8).

  10. Asking someone "Why?" is not nearly as inviting as asking someone to "Tell me more about that?"  You get much less of a defensive response.

  11. Sometimes you think you are allergic to foods when really you are allergic to STRESS.

  12. You can get so much more done when you make a list of the top priorities of your day and just do those things.  

  13. There is a perfect  rhythm of working HARD for 90-mins and then taking a short break to do something Physical or Spiritual.  This rhythm makes you far more balanced and efficient, helping you get so much more done WELL.

  14. You can be content in all circumstances by seeing with grateful eyes.

  15. You must not neglect your gift.  You must grow it, cultivate it and give it away.

  16. So what, you're weird.  Radically accept that.   "Those the mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind."-Dr. Seuss

  17. There is true bliss that comes from giving into your "Happy Weight."

  18. "Live not by works, but by Faith."  Busyness does not get you any points with God.

  19. You can actually rewire your brain by visualizing your "future self" and SURREND'hering to her as you make decisions.

  20. God's capacity to give far exceeds our capacity to receive.

  21. There is a distinct difference between "No" and "Not Yet" with God.  Patience is everything.

  22. Comparison is the thief of joy.  We should join in the praise when we see God's blessings on others lives.

  23. Take your environment seriously and it will radically shift your life.  From the people you put yourself around, to the things you watch and read, and the spaces you design for your own work and creativity.

  24. God designed us for Prosperity.  Not understanding the proper value of your TIME will consistently hinder that.

  25. To change any bad habit, including the habit of fear, you must always REPLACE the habit and focus your intention on what you DO want to become.   I suggest love.

  26. Neuroscience now proves a MEMORY is formed after 21-days of intentional thought and dwelling.  A HABIT is formed after 3 cycles of that for a total of 63 DAYS.  For. one. habit.  Focus only on the 'Big Rocks' that matter and will have a bigger impact on your life. 

  27. Those whom are hardest to love are always those that need the most love.  Their insecurity makes them difficult, demanding and distant.   Your love and respect can cure them of all that. 

  28. You learn your true identity and Greater Purpose from others, not by yourself.  God designed us for community. 

  29. "Joy doesn't come from what you have, joy comes from what you know can't be taken from you."  Rick Warren

  30. Your soul is where your body meets your power source. 

  31. It's just like God to take our sinful, selfish acts and decide to bless us anyway.  "God works for the Good of those who love Him." (Romans 8:38)

  32. "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity." -Brene Brown

  33. You are so very WORTHY of it all.  Spiritual magic happens when we seek to see ourselves and others the way God see us.  Our worth to Him is endless.