Guilt – A. Wright Fit

the-voice-of-brene-brown-in-my-sleep

Well, I should say, I've been falling asleep to my Audible app playing in my headphones as I sleep (is that dangerous?) and her book, "Men, Women and Worthiness” has been speaking to me as I drift off. She’s an incredible author who has researched the areas of shame, vulnerability, empathy, and love for the last 15 years.

This book, and so many of the other's she's authored, triggered a memory I had that still is with me today. It’s a story of my shame and overeating issues.

I was in college, my Junior year maybe, and my girlfriends and I were all up at my friends' parents' beach house in Newport Beach, CA.

Now, I don’t know what college was like for you, but college for me was a time that, in retrospect, I believe was my most insecure. I suffered from the “trifecta” of not feeling “good enough.”

Spiritually I felt a bit like a heathen and a harlot attending a private Christian school after having sown some wild oats in my high school days.

Mentally, I felt largely inadequate as I struggled to achieve mostly B’s and some C’s in my Biochemistry major, while everyone else, who studied less than me, scored higher than me.

Then, physically, I believed I struggled the most. I was a Colorado girl, tall, athletic, and curvy who was surrounded by a lot of SoCal girls who were beautiful, petite and small-framed.

Naturally, due to my body insecurities during this time of my life, I was a workout queen. Sometimes taking 3 classes in a row at the local 24 Hour Fitness and training for some half and (almost) full marathons, a task that I now know does NOT fit my body type.

My copious exercise routines, combined with the massive amount of stress of school, made me hungry like a Mrs. Pac-Man going rogue, especially on sweets.

As we walked into the house in Newport Beach, we learned that my friend's mom had just had a birthday and there was some leftover cake…gooey, chocolatey, overly-indulgent, cake.

Game over.

All of us gathered around with our forks and dug in. (What’s a little sick is that I can still vividly picture this cake in my mind, a good 11 years later.)

Naturally, with something so decadent, most of the girls stopped at a few bites.

And I tried.

But every time I sat down, all I could taste was chocolate and all I could think was, “Don't eat the cake, don't eat the cake..." Meanwhile all my feet and fork seemed to hear was, “Cake…cake... cake" and before I knew it, I would be up having a few more bites. Then a few more after that.

Then I heard it...

My friend, in a failed attempt at whispering, said, "God, when is she going to stop eating that cake?"

Que the spiral of shame.

I pretended like I didn't hear it and just sat down. But, I was devastated.

I wonder, do you have any memory like this?

Where someone mentioned something about your eating or your weight and it just triggered deep shame in your eating? Maybe it was a family member? Maybe it happened in school? Something that made you want to starve yourself and hide?

Or maybe a memory of someone making fun of your athletic ability and it forever changed your relationship with exercise?

My guess is I bet you do. So many of us do.

But, I bring a message of hope, because with the help of some experts like Brene Brown, and certainly with the help of the Good Lord, we can learn shame resilience and navigate out of the snare that shame can be to our mindset and emotions.

So, how do you know if you're in shame versus guilt, humiliation, or even simple embarrassment?

Well, Brene Brown says it all comes down to our self talk. What is that inner voice telling us when these circumstances arise?

Let's take my example to walk through it.

If my friend’s remark had triggered some thoughts like, "Oh my goodness, she's right. I'm totally out of control right now." Or something about the behavior, then this would be considered GUILT.

Guilt is always about, “I did something bad,” whereas shame is about “I am a bad person.”

Brene points out that guilt, while it's not an inherently positive thing to feel all the time, is capable of helping you correct bad behavior.

You essentially have to feel guilt and remorse if you’re ever going to change. But the key difference is you focus on the behavior you're doing, not who you are as a person.

Or, if on the night of my cake incident, if it has caused a self dialogue of, "I can't believe my friend just said that about me in front of all our friends! How rude is that?!" This would be a response of HUMILIATION.

It's once again focused on the behavior of the other person or the event that offended you.

Lastly, EMBARRASSMENT could have been triggered as well had I thought something like, “Ha! She totally got me. I am totally going to town on this cake huh?” It’s a more laughable, relatable feeling. Like, “I know I’m not alone in this issue,” kind of response.

So as you read my story out right, you might know yourself well enough to know you would likely respond in one of the other, slightly healthier ways. And that’s the thing we all need to recognize and empathize in others, once shame is triggered, there’s no use telling someone how they *should* feel or respond, you need to move toward helping them (or ourselves) deal with the torturous shame and condemnation.

For me, I vividly remember feeling like my friends had “found me out.” That all my dirty little secrets of being an out-of-control eater were not only out in the open, but were being judged by my closest friends at the time.

I reiterated my self talk of always “being the fat friend,” and never being “strong enough” to control my eating.

So, where does this lead us? Why would I share with you a story from over 11 years ago? Does it help anything for today?

And my answer is YES, ABSOLUTELY.

Because, what our past experiences help us understand is where the devil thought he had us. You see, Satan uses shame as one of his greatest tools to get us to turn a hide from God.

In the Garden of Eden, after Eve gave Adam the apple, what did Adam and Eve do?

They hid.

When Adam responded to God’s call, and said, “I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked. And I hid.” (Genesis 3:10)

They were ashamed of their nakedness, and they hid.

Sin is what first brought shame into our lives. It has kept us bound by sin ever since.

Shame in our mindset serves as a stronghold. We are not thinking clearly of what the devil is trying to do to us, we are totally consumed by the muck of our thoughts and emotions.

But, in hindsight, if we are brave and willing to address these memories, we recognize this an evil tactic and can start re-telling our mind the TRUTH of our memory.

I had to repeat this scenario in my head and with great empathy, replay a healthier reaction based in the TRUTH of who I really am in Christ, not who the critic in my head is telling me to be.

So, I can look back at that 21-year old self and say with certainty, “You were not fat. You were not an out of control, crazy eater. You had a bad night and went a little too far on that cake. But it didn’t make you a unworthy, unlovable person.”

I can in some ways offer forgiveness to myself and let myself off the hook.

I start telling myself that the choices I make DO NOT define WHO I AM.

Only God can do that and God tells me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

So, sometime soon, I think it would be really helpful for you to start thinking back on some old haunting memories and correct those thoughts that you were fooled into thinking before. Maybe journal them and pray over them. Ask God to help you seek the truth.

When you break these strongholds with the truth of who you are in Christ, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." And when we are free, we'll be free indeed.

So, I'd love to hear from you on this one. Sharing these vulnerable stories are always a bit tough....can you relate at all?

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Each woman in this world has a space to fill. Each woman is worthy of infinite blessings from God. Each woman is designed for a noble cause and has capacity for blessed improvement in this life she may lead.

YOU are worthy of your space, your purpose and your path.

Yet, what I am hearing from clients, from friends and from, frankly, my own head, is a tremendous about of guilt caused from what only can be “not good enough” syndrome.

“Oh, I totally botched my diet this weekend! Ugh, I am totally going to have to workout extra this week and cut some extra calories.”

“I never feel like my house is clean enough. I should spend some more time dusting”

“I don’t feel like I’m doing a good enough job parenting. I’m not there enough for them or helping them enough with homework.”

“Everyone at the office is putting in more hours than me, I should to stay late at work so they don’t think I’m the weak link.”

“I should really do something sexy for my husband, but I have just been feeling too tired lately and certainly not sexy.”

“I haven’t spent any time alone with God lately, I am sure He is going to punish me in some way. I really need to go to church this weekend.”

Guilt, especially in women, seems to run rampant in our minds and more gravely in our spirit.

But let’s be very honest with ourselves, GUILT does not bring about any real and lasting change in our lives.

There will always be more things that we “should” be doing better. There will always be ways that we are falling short of perfection. We are human.

I think most women are aware of the guilt that they feel. But it has become a feeling that is so familiar that it may actually become a tactic we use as false motivation.

It’s false because the idea of guilting oneself into true change is like putting a bandaid-type of fix to an open-artery-type of need.

Using guilt as motivation will not bring about true transformation, true change and true relief into any area of our life we are trying to improve whether it be personal, body, family, work, romance, or spirit.

If we take it outside of our own heads, we can clearly see several examples of how guilting others does not in fact motivate anyone for real change.

For example:

The “diet” phenomenon is something that is all to common these days, and I am guilty of unintentionally prescribing such ways of thinking early in my nutrition career. By issuing things like exact meal plans and precise diets to follow is basically establishing a set of “rules” that each client is expected to follow in order to garner success in weight loss. The same goes for any diet program or fad that society will flock to, they are essentially establishing their own set of new “rules” to follow.

But, each time we set up “rules” to follow, we are automatically setting up ways for us to issue these same feelings of “guilt” when we inevitably fall short or “cheat”.

The problem with guilting our society into these weight loss “rules” is that it clearly does not have long-lasting results! We have all seen more diet failures than successes! There is a reason why the rate of overweight and obesity is on the rise despite having more diets out there than ever before. Diets and their “rules” don’t work.

None of my clients had any intention of following my meal plan for the rest of their lives just as many people who try out the new fad diet will likely resort back to old eating habits eventually too! Just short months after working with me and finding weight loss success, I saw a great many clients gain back half, if not all, of the weight they had lost and were riddled with guilt about it. The “rules” and the subsequent “guilt motivation” clearly didn’t last! In fact, it just caused more guilt!

Outside of weight loss, I’ve also witnessed this ineffective guilt tactic in the role of religion in our country. While I know a great many of friends that do believe that there is a God and most of whom do believe in Jesus as well, I would say the majority of those that do not embrace a Christian lifestyle don’t because of some religious person or persons that had evoked some sort of rules and guilt tactic on them at some point in their life.

So often, “religious” people get very caught up in the “rules” of the bible and “rules” of following a Christian lifestyle. It is off-putting to think that one has to do so many things in order to make it into heaven! You have to go to church, tithe 10%, get baptized, pray daily, take communion, confession, etc etc etc.

I was blessed to be born into a healthy and faith-based household, but even I have had some very strong and off-putting experiences with “religious” people that were trying to enforce some “Christian” agenda. It did NOT work to get me into church more and it did NOT work to affect any change on my life.

Guilting me about my sin was not an way to get me to change in any real way.

I shudder when I think about those crazy “christian” types that are picketing with signs outside of court houses bashing abortion and gay people and blaming them for our natural disasters.

It is sickening and maddening when people try to use guilt as a motivating tactic, especially when they put the name of God on their own judgement. I am just glad that we have a fair and just God who WILL handle all condemnation in this after life.

We see that these tactics evoke any real change, and yet we still guilt ourselves daily.

One things I know for sure,

GUILT IS NOT FROM GOD.

If you want to truly change your life for the better? Truly transform your heart? Truly realign your soul in the direction you are destined to go?

What you need is…..

Less GUILT and More GOD.

Guilt is not one of the fruits of the Spirit. Guilt is not one of the characteristics that is revealed of God throughout the Bible. Guilt is not the purpose of any one of the teachings of Jesus while he walked this earth.

Any time we feel guilty for not being enough in some way, that is not from God but is the devil trying to keep us playing small by feeling overwhelmed and lost.

God knows that we are never going to get it all done perfectly as much as we might try. God knows that we are human and flawed in our nature. Our imperfection has Greater PURPOSE. God uses it to bless us!

Each one of our flaws opens up a greater opportunity for us to depend on God.

We don’t do it by mastering the religious practices, or by following a specific religious doctrine.

We do it by engaging in an ongoing relationship with Him.

“Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” Psalm 34:5

Our imperfections are our avenues for God’s amazing grace to dwell and fill the empty space within.

Naturally, all of this elicits the question:

What are we to do with our guilt? How do we actually step away from our natural “guilt” response?

Here are 4 R’s to Remember When You’re Riddled with Guilt:

1.)RECOGNIZE the trigger words in your head

You know the ongoing conversation we have with ourselves in our head? Well, there are repeatable words and phrases that are common when guilting ourselves that we can recognize and change.

“Should” or “shouldn’t”—“I should have gone to the gym this morning.” “I shouldn’t have eaten so much for lunch.

“Ugh”, or “Ick”— Often when looking in the mirror or looking at our messy homes, the first word in our thoughts it something like “ugh.” For some of my close friends lately, it’s more like “ewwww”. 🙂

“Just”– Commonly more of the complaining side of guilt, but phrases like “I just need more time in my day”, “I just wish I could have done more on that project at work.”

Your head might have different catch phrases when thinking guilty thoughts, but I encourage you to take some time to recognize your own thought patterns!

2.) REMEMBER that God is with you in your mind and knows what you are thinking.

What helps me is the second I recognize those trigger words in my head, I think about God sitting in an listening to them. I think of how much He loves me and how much those thoughts don’t serve me or serve Him. I open my heart and my internal ears for Him to gently guide my thoughts to Him and to how HE sees me, not just how I see me.

*Remember, if you have thoughts that God is seeing you with anything other than love, know that these thoughts are from the devil. Do not confuse the two and do not listen to the evil thoughts in your head!*

3.) REPHRASE your thought in a way that is more self loving.

Give yourself credit for what you ARE doing that is right and good and helpful to your life’s improvement. This can be very hard to do in the moment, especially when we are so conditioned to be so hard on ourselves. But opening yourself up even 1x a day for some self love can work wonders in motivating yourself from within.

4.) REFOCUS your effort–

Ask yourself questions like,

“If I wasn’t trying to be perfect right now at everything, how can I use this time to better one area of my life that truly needs it?”

“What is it that I really want and need to do right now.”

So often, we feel guilt because we are trying to juggle a ton of things all at once and not doing any one of them very well!

Stepping back and assessing what God is telling you to focus on “right now” is key!

All day, I now have this conversation with God and truly believe that He is guiding me in the most mundane of activities.

I don’t audibly hear Him talking to me, but it is a spiritual flow that only occurs when I remember to think about Him and I ask for small step guidance.

When I am constantly speaking to God within, I do not have words of guilt flowing through my head. I speak to myself in a more self loving and supportive way which is the most motivating and inspirational way of speaking possible!

Oh, the things I can accomplish when I skip the guilt!! It brings about more joy, more love, more peace and you guessed it…..

REAL CHANGE.

So, I’ve Been Hearing Brene Brown In My Sleep…

Ready to up your nutrition & spiritual discipline in the New Year?

So, I’ve Been Hearing Brene Brown In My Sleep…

Ready to up your nutrition & spiritual discipline in the New Year?

GUILT IS NOT FROM GOD.

Less GUILT and More GOD.

“Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” Psalm 34:5

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