Today, I would just like to share openly with you about some of my real and current struggles—not so that I use you, my beloved reader, as a way to vent my frustration and fears, but rather as a place where I can expose how God is rewiring my mind and soul in real time so that whatever struggle you might be facing right now might make you feel like you are less alone. So even if our struggles are not in the same category in life, we can connect in a sisterhood of Divine strength, knowing that we are not the only ones in this very moment who are having a hard time unwrapping our beautiful hearts from the greedy hands of the devils destruction.
I am experiencing one of those days that I just can’t stop crying. I am overcome. But God is speaking to me and I just hope to share what He is telling me now.
I pray that by unwrapping my heart, I might shine a light on your darkness too.
Gods love can overwhelm me. Experiencing a calling to the depth that I am experiencing can be so strong that it almost feels like a burden.
There are so many questions I cannot yet answer. The mystery of, “What will happen?” builds-up like piles of stones trying to create a mountain blocking the path that God has laid out before me.
Every day, I am challenged to be bigger than my fear. Every day I am challenged to choose God and choose Faith so that those stones of fear are bulldozed away and my path is made clear, again…..and again.
I had naively thought that once I overcame my initial fear of starting this business and was willing to be obedient to this calling, that I would overpower all fear.
I was wrong.
I battle fears of failure every day. I battle fears of caring too much about what other people think of me, every day. I battle fears of unworthiness every. single. day.
What’s crazy is this epiphany—–> The closer I get to God, the more my fears can mount up.
It is very clear, that the devil can sense this intimacy I have with God, and he is not happy with it.
My great Hope lies in this—–>the closer I get to God, the more I use His Power to knock down my fears. I thank God that His Power is so great.
The other wave of emotion that I feel is the weight of so many new ROLES all at once. What I am experiencing through this life shift of SURREND’her is a convergence of many “callings” meeting together at the epicenter, which is my heart.
This should not be surprising, since as I have written several times, our “Calling” or our “Greater Purpose” is not limited to what we “do for a living.” So while I will often relay that my “calling” is found in this business I have started, A.Wright Fit, the truth is my true Calling and my Greater Purpose is being molded from several roles all at once. I know I am not alone in these roles.
- I am called to be Wife. What an honor this role is. Wow, is it hard. Today, as I write this we are officially 7-months married. Newlyweds ;-). Borrowing the words of Gabrielle Bernstein as she too was speaking of her fiancé, (now husband), “He is my greatest assignment and my greatest teacher.” I moved away from my family and my home in Colorado, and found my new home in my husbands arms, wherever in the world they may be at the time, which is far more traveled than I had expected!
What I feel so far about being married is that much of what is so difficult about it is that often times I feel as though Howard is really acting as a mirror, reflecting back to me my greatest flaws. Looking at my flaws in a mirror is BY FAR one of my LEAST favorite activities. But the lessons I receive daily are abundant and humbling. Loving harder is a challenge I have not only accepted, but have committed to in the covenant of marriage. It is all here for a reason and it can all bring me close to God. But it is a daily choice.
- I am called to be Mother. As I took my vows to marry, I also took on this new role as step-mom or what they call me, which is simply “Mandi” or specifically, “Mani” for the little one. This is a role no one can really prepare you for. There are not the “What to Expect When You’re Not Technically Expecting” books out there, nor did I experience any warm-up to parenting that being pregnant or raising a child from infancy can provide. I was thrown into the game as a rookie with both a toddler and a college student. As a step-mom, I think the greatest gift I have is just a natural sense in navigating the boundaries for all parties involved and growing in love every day. But I must admit, the fear of overstepping the boundaries are always great and choosing the love is not automatic, which I have guilt even admitting. I am grateful I have God who teaches me how to choose love.
- I am called to be Sister. I am a little sister in the literal sense (and I miss my siblings fervently), but my calling is also now to be a Sister in the Soulful sense. Starting this business has very little to do with the actual products and programs I offer, and much more about how can I serve as a Sister in Christ. How can I play a role in helping others find their own paths to health and their Greater Purpose. How can I help others seek God’s great Power for their life? It is navigating the terrain and finding the right paths to being in the “right place at the right time” that is challenging. Connecting with my clients as their health coach and helping women, most of which I’ve never met, find a greater connection to their health and to God is an honor. It is simply my hope that I might be able to expand in this role and be called to serve on a wider platform. I do not know what lies ahead.
- I am called to be Child. I am both the child of the greatest parents in the history of the world, including my mother-in-law, but also and more importantly, the child of God. I realized I am still in the infancy stages of life in so many ways and I know I am just learning to walk. Like children often do, I am learning so much at once! I realize I must learn first before I can teach—- so I must learn to walk before I can run.
So, as I mentioned in my opening, it is days like this that I feel very overcome by the greatness of these Callings converging on me all at once.
So I have done the only thing I have left to do, I have asked God the real question on my heart.
“God, why would you give such enormous callings to a girl who has been plagued with such insecurity her whole life? How can you expect this insecure girl to really manage a head-strong husband, being away from her family and security, the unknown role of step-mothering, the huge leap of faith to lead women as an entrepreneur all while still learning to “walk” as the Child of God?”
God has answered me.
I was literally bowed down with my head on the ground in the middle of my kitchen and His words came came to me,
“Beloved, you are not insecure. You have just believed the lie that you are insecure. I have given these things to you because you can handle them all, “not by works, but by Faith”. “Put on the armor of God” and become the warrior I have called you to be. Believe the lie no more and unburden your heart, “for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” You are worthy.”
He reminded me not to misjudge how I measure His love. To not think that just because some people have found worldly success that they are somehow loved more than me. He loves us all immeasurably and it cannot be compared. We do not see the full picture of everyone’s heart and happiness.
He reminded me that my burdens are not a sign that He does not love me either. They are more of a sign that I am doing what is right and it is the devil who is afraid. He reminded me that I can feel His love by his great protection and part of His love is shown in ways I cannot see.
He reminded me not to miscalculate the size of His hands and Might of His Wings. That His sovereign strength can bear all things. That I can “take refuge under His mighty wings” and give Him ALL of my burdens, even those I’m ashamed to admit. He can take them all and more.
He reminded me that I’m not alone.
That I’m not insecure.
I am a warrior.
So, I stood up. And here I shall STAND.
Below, are just some of the verses that came into my mind through my prayerful dialogue with God.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11: 28-30)
“Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the power of this dark world and against spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” (Ephesians 6: 11-13)
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2: 8-10)
“How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.” (Psalm 36: 7)